I woke up this morning convinced I was crazy. Actually, this was more of an after-thought after yesterday's crazy. This morning I was more working along the line to prove I was crazy. I went through the last six months worth of blog posts, looking at them briefly; a few book reviews, a few impersonal posts, but mostly dark and dreary stuff, the sort of stuff Liam said I'm not to send to him because he'd misinterpret, but that I'd been writing for months before that. And then I found some happier ones. I found some blog posts that were just happy, no darkness attached to them.
I went back further. I found that I'd had an idea for a novel that I never followed through on. And I found a link to a blog I'd been keeping at the start of college that I later gave up on. But the blog was important. It was positive, it was happy, it was full of life. It made the darkness so much less. This is just a slump. It's just a bad phase. I'll go on to a party on Friday and it won't make a different. I'll go on a road trip in July, and the depression won't mean a thing. I'll see my friends tomorrow, and everything will get better. We'll all go to the zoo soon. And we'll maybe go away for a weekend later on in the summer. And none of the darkness will matter, because I'll have been with them.
The old blog has opened up my eyes. I'd kept a little diary of sorts of when I met people. I didn't write down all their names in it, but I wrote about having lunch with Elizabeth and Eithne on the third day, and about how Jessica and I had become seperated, and how later we ended up colouring in little GAA cartoons with someone I described as 'a 26 year old “mature student”' - Liam! There was mention, then, of my Debs and how it was rubbish, how it got me really upset, and how the next day it was the company of Liam and Meadhbh that kept me going strong, that made me be able to get through it all, even if they didn't know how bad it had been, even if they didn't know the heartache I was going through.
And I wrote about being rubbish at table tennis on the third day of the second week. I remember that day. I tried to serve and missed the ball. Twice. It literally bounced over the paddle both times until I finally hit it. And failed.
I included little references to pop culture; I referred to our education lecture as being like Ferris Bueller's Day Off - "Anyone? Anyone?" - and one of our lecturers being like Marvin from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, because he always seemed a bit down (even if, now that I know him, he's not).
And I wrote about my excitement before the auditions for Drama, and the first Drama meeting, and not being sure what to audition with, only knowing that Laura and Ronan would be there too, and that Kevin had at least expressed an interest in it.
It was... it was amazing. Looking back on it all, it was amazing. I wish I'd kept that blog going so I'd have so much more to look back on; everything has a way of becoming a blur in the memory, but I recall a few things, like Kevin and James's battles in table tennis, and my sheer determination to win matches in fooze ball, and how rubbish I was at pool. I remember being determined to high-five Liam every day, because we didn't really know each other well enough to have a conversation, but we were still friends, if that makes sense. I remember the first night on stage, and the DIT drama competition and how we discovered that it was possible that something we call a Kieltyism is contagious to those around him.
And I remember none of it being bad. Not one bit of it. Up until the exams, I was happy every day in college. Yeah, I freaked out a bit during the exams. I had to go outside at one stage and sit there, alone, ready to break down crying. But then Laura and Eileen came out and just sat there with me, in complete silence. We just sat there, and I calmed down. I stopped being so upset.
Those were the best months of my life. I can't remember having a period of happiness that lasted that long, and I'm determined to make sure it doesn't end. Okay, so I stumbled a bit. I freaked out over this loneliness, but I'm not alone, not really. I still have my friends there, even if they're not right beside me. And we still have all those happy memories, and all those times to cherish. Sure, we won't have the excitement of our very first days in college, ever, to repeat, but we'll have everything else. We still have the rest of our lives, and even if I get upset, even if I get into the dark slump again, and I don't doubt that it'll happen - it'll probably happen for a while tomorrow morning, or tomorrow night - but I'll always have them there. I can always get out of that slump, once I have my friends there.
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